advanced poker play

An American landed in Ireland after taking the red-eye from New York to play in a poker tournament with a 1^st prize of $1 million. He lands at Dublin airport around 6 in the morning, local time, and bleary eyed makes his way to the right-hand drive, gear-stick change, car rental waiting for him.

Being Ireland it’s a typically grey and wet morning, rain lashing down and the wind off the Atlantic still in full force despite already having blown across the country from the west. “Ughh” says the poker player to himself, “this sure isn’t pleasant poker playing weather, let alone driving weather, must remember to drive on the left – must remember to drive on the left, must remember to (yawn) drive ….”. Off sets the poker player driving from the airport to his hotel in Dublin along the M1 motorway. The weather is appalling, along with the pouring rain the overcast clouds make it almost dark as night – when suddenly in the road in front of him he sees the small figure of a man, dawdling across the motorway as if he were in a pedestrian precinct. In a flash goes through his mind “am I driving on the correct side of the road”? Yes he is – and then he realizes he must stop the car; jumping on his brakes he fears the worst – a car he’s not familiar with and in the wet conditions he’ll surely hear that sickening thud of his car hitting something!

The car stops, he gets out, will the little man be alive, will he be badly injured … what will he see when he gets to the front of the car?

There he sees a Leprechaun, sat on the road with a very wet backside and a confused and startled look on its face. “Jee’z” says the Leprechaun “’tis a lucky day for you”!

“What”? Says the poker player, “how can it be lucky for me – its lucky for you that I didn’t kill you”?

“Not at all” says the little Leprechaun, “sure I only felt the slightest bump and we Leprechaun’s are made of sturdier stuff you than you sophisticated city folk you know”. “Anyway, ’tis lucky to see a Leprechaun but to actually hit and stop one will bring you three good luck wishes.”

“No, no,” replies the poker player. “I couldn’t possibly accept anything from you, this was entirely my fault, I was driving to Dublin for a poker tournament, I was tired, I wasn’t concentrating fully – I must give you something.”

“Now what on earth could you give to a Leprechaun like me”? “Tell you what you just go on your way, forget about all this and enjoy your poker”.

And with that the matter seemed settled for the poker player, who drove off to Dublin.

But, the Leprechaun wasn’t happy, wasn’t happy at all.

What would the other Leprechauns say to him when they heard a human had seen him, hit him, talked to him – and he’d not given the three customary wishes? There and then, before the car disappeared, he decided he must send the three wishes anyway. But what three wishes could he send to a stranger who left no clue as to what he might wish for? After thinking for a moment he decided that the following must surely be the three wishes any poker player would want:

1) That he automatically had the gift of picking up with 100% accuracy on everyone else’s ‘tells‘, without ever revealing his own.

2) If ever he lost in a game of poker, he would always leave the table with the same amount of money in his pocket as had been taken by the eventual winner.

3) That he would always spend the night with the most attractive woman at the poker table, or in the casino, who would automatically find him attractive in return.

A year passed by.

The poker player returned to Ireland to play once again in the Dublin tournament. Unbelievably he again took the red-eye, the weather was again appalling to drive in; and he again had an accident on the motorway into Dublin!

Not believing his bad luck, the poker player hesitatingly got out of the rental car to look at what he had hit. Imagine his amazement when he again saw that very same Leprechaun sat in the road by the front of his car. “Oh no, he said, how can it be – I’ve hit you again”?

“Oh no bother” said the Leprechaun, then seeing who it was said. “As I said before to you, when you last hit me, we Leprechaun’s are made of sturdier stuff you than you sophisticated city folk”.

“Now then, how’s life been for you since the last time we met? Do you find that you’re luckier or more accurate with anything? Do you have any money worries? And how’s ‘tings for you with the ladies?” He asked, all with knowing looks and winks!

“Well” said the poker player; “funny you should ask that”. “Ever since the last time I ‘ran into you’ I seem to have developed this uncanny knack of spotting other poker player’s tells, but never seem to reveal my own. It’s been great; I really enjoy bluffing and counter-bluffing poker players – with 100% accuracy”.

“Well that’s nice” said the Leprechaun.

“Money – no worries at all” said the poker player.  It’s remarkable; even if I lose at a game I always seem to have a pocketful of cash when I leave the table or casino, it always feels like the same amount that was on the table too? Absolutely incredible”!

“Yes, yes” said the Leprechaun “but what about the ladies”?

Silence from the poker player, with a big red flush filling his face!

“Oh go on” said the Leprechaun “you can tell me”.

“Well” said the poker player tentatively. “The ladies certainly seem to have liked me better this past year, in fact some of them insist on spending the night with me.”

“Ho Ho” said the Leprechaun “So you’re getting plenty then; nudge-nudge, wink-wink?”

“Well” said the poker player again, rather coyly. “Perhaps once or twice a week”.

“What”! screamed the Leprechaun, incandescent with rage. “I gave you a wish for all the most beautiful ladies to be constantly attending to you, always wanting you, always with you; and you say just once or twice a week”!

“Well” came the reply from the poker player. “That’s not too bad for a catholic priest from a small town in upstate New York”!